Heavenward

You can't break the chains around you until you realize just how imprisoned you are by them. It doesn't matter if someone points them out to you or if someone tells you there's freedom out there - you won't believe them. It's not until you see those chains for yourself, strain against them, really feel their weight, that you realize you're being restrained. Only then can you free yourself. No one else can do it for you. No one else should do it for you.

I haven't done something like this in so long, but it's 2 in the morning and this one amused me since it's been fairly true for the past 17 months.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are innocent, sweet, and young at heart. You present a purity that many people find appealing. However, you are often tired of people treating you like a child. Underneath it all, you enjoy being babied and pampered. You have been known to feign inexperience to get out of sticky situations. You fear getting old and losing your childlike charms.

I know I need to go to bed when I start finding silly things like this amusing.

If there's anyone I hate in this world, it's a liar. Especially if the lies told by said liar impugn my reputation, my integrity, my honor. Maybe I'm just idealistic, or maybe I'm naive. Call me what you will, but the idea that someone in a higher position would lie just to pass the blame onto me infuriates me. I hate that I see this and no one else does. I hate that I'm only doing my job, and have done everything I can to help everyone, and yet this person seems to find a need to blame me for his own incompetence and inability to do his job properly by lying and ruining my reputation.

I've been dealing with this ass for months now, and no, it's not my boss. My boss bullies me. THAT, I can handle and tolerate. This ass, though, is full of shit. On this particular project, he's been lying since day one. This ass works for the department that handles contracts and contractors. So, in the grand scheme of things, my department does the design work for something, his department handles the people who do the actual, physical work. If there are changes to be made, they come to us, we make the decision or talk to the people who will make the decision, they deal with the contractor and tell him what needs to be done. It's a government thing. All about transparency and accountability and fairness and on and on and on. Well, on this project, there have been a million and one things that have gone wrong. And a lot of it was the contractor's fault. Which means, it was the ass' fault. When I went to speak to said ass about issues as they arose, he consistently told me he was doing all he could, but poor him, he can't very well hold the contractor by the hand and force him to do what he's supposed to. Turn around, a few days later, I get an email from ass saying the complete opposite. And then, when I try to call him on it, it's one lie after another, trying to cover up his tracks. In the end, it became a "he said, she said" thing, with me looking like a stupid student every time.

Today, though, he went too far. Today, I was covering for him AGAIN, taking the heat for something he did. He told me, last week, that his contractors would be out at the end of that week to finish the job, and then he told me they wouldn't be able to until Tuesday because they couldn't get their equipment out, and then again, yesterday, he said his contractor couldn't come out until today because their equipment was booked solid. So, me covering for him and acting in the role that I'm supposed to, tried to sort things out with the "clients", the people who we were doing this project for. They were sick and tired of this wait game and tore a strip out of me, both through an email and in person. Great way to start a morning. I don't recommend it. I sent an email to the ass. Told him I wasn't going to inconvenience the clients for another week. If the contractor was going to come today, then we'd deal with whatever we needed to whenever he showed up and not prior to, as we had done for the past week. That royally pissed off the ass, though, I don't understand why since the email was perfectly polite (and believe me, considering the strip I just had torn out of me because of this ass, it took a lot to keep it civil). He spent the day stewing and then sent an email back at the end of the day saying I was out of line and then promptly proceeded to blame the previous delays on my ineptitude and inability to make decisions on design changes. He then continued to spread the blame, blaming one of the clients for further delays. Unfortunately for him, I had spoken to said client earlier and what he told me was not what the ass wrote in his email. One could argue that the client was lying, but really, why would he? He has nothing to lose or gain through lying. Just a third party.

Fine that the ass is constantly making me look stupid. Fine that he's constantly blaming me for his incompetence. Fine that he's spreading that all around our section. Everyone in our section knows otherwise. They've worked with me and know my quality and my character. But to start spreading the blame to a third party just to cover his rear, that was the last straw. Now I'm furious. I'm sick and tired of covering for this ass. I'm sick and tired of the crap he's been dishing my way. I'm sick and tired of being treated like just a student and an idiotic one at that because of him. Now I'm pissed. I'm furious. I'm pretty hell-bent on giving him a piece of my mind, of ruining him the same way he's been ruining me. I can play the office politics game just as well as he can. And if not, I'll go to the big bosses. Even if I can't bring hell down on him and get him fired, I want to make it moderately uncomfortable for him. Well, ha, I already have, but I want to publicize it now, the same way that he's been publicizing my "incompetency". I'm so tired of covering for him and taking the blame for him.

Now, the nice side of me is saying that I shouldn't. I have a week left. Why leave behind bad blood? On the other hand, the bitch in me is saying that I have a week left. What have I got to lose?

So, I forwarded the last email from the ass to the client, the one who gave me shit this morning. Didn't say anything about the misplaced blame. After all, it really becomes a "he said, she said" thing and I refuse to let myself stoop to that. At least for now. Instead, I merely pointed out that little bit blaming the client for his role in the further delay. That should be interesting. I'm curious to see what will happen. Probably nothing, I know how the government operates, but we'll see. If this ass continues to piss me off, I swear I'll bring it. I'm infuriated enough to do so.

Relationships are strange things, whether they are between friends, lovers, family or just strangers. Life is all about relationships - who you know, who you trust, who you work with, who you love. And as quickly as life changes, so do relationships. At some point you think you know a person, but turn around and you realize you don't. So, what do you do at this point? Do you turn away from them and end the relationship because your relationship was built on something that is different from the reality? Or do you accept this as a new facet to your relationship and work to move the relationship to a different level, if you will?

This year, if nothing else, has been an opportunity for me to experiment with the definition of who I am as an individual. Not forced to conform to the image of a good girl, not forced to be the serious one that people turned to when they needed someone to talk to, not forced to be the serious one, no longer depressed and not held down by the expectations of others, I now resent having to go back to all of that. I had a conversation with someone this past week who surprised me with their inability to accept this newly discovered side of me. And now it's hit me just exactly what I'm going back to when I leave work and go back to school. Will I be forced back into who I was, or will the people around me understand that I've finally allowed myself to live and experience different aspects of life and accept the results of that?

It's funny how I can tell some people of the things I've done here and they think it's a good time, that I'm acting different from what they know to be me, but are willing to accept this change. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. But there are others who seem to be in denial about it, like what I'm doing is just a phase or what I've done is so out of character that somehow the world is going to end. To those people, screw you. Honestly. What gives them the right to judge me based on what they think they know of me? Isn't life fluid? Don't people constantly change? I don't necessarily need people to support what I do; I need from them is to accept this newer side of me as being me.

And really, there are some people who need to stop telling me that I'm so serious and realize that it's them, not me. Ha, psychiatrists tell you to never blame other people, but there are some cases where one must do what one must do. Apparently I need to spell out that I really am very sarcastic and have no problems mocking other people and myself (notice the order of things... hahaha, so bad). And also, apparently, I need to spell out when I'm being sarcastic, because heaven forbid that my sarcasm be taken as seriousness because I am oh-so-serious. Good grief, it's pathetic when I start getting like this.

Anyways, three more weeks, 13 more working days and I am outta this retarded town and off to the UK. Can't wait.

Okay, so after having spent a weekend visiting with people, apparently, there are some things I'm supposed to blog about. I thought people knew about this stuff already, but I guess they don't.

1) I pole-dance. Yes, that's right. Pole-dance. And lap dancing stuff too. If Engineering doesn't work out, I'll be a stripper. That's how it goes.
Oh, and I'm looking for a place to buy stripper heels. If anyone knows of somewhere, please let me know.

2) I have two tattoos - one on my ankle (I don't recommend getting one there, it hurts) and one on my hip.

3) I am dating a Brit and military at that. Yes, he's younger than I am. Yes, I met him at a bar (ha, it's not like it sounds, honest). I'll be in the UK, visiting him, in August.

All righty... I wonder if there's anything else I'm supposed to blog about. Seriously, if people want to know this kind of thing, they should ask. I don't know what people want to know. Geez. Are we happy now?

I can't do this again. My heart can't take it.

What kind of world do we live in when the lives of celebrities make top news? Why are we so obsessed with what celebrity went to what bar or what celebrity is trying to avoid jail time? How is that news? There are floods in BC, there are people dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, the G8 summit concluded today and with that new policies on the environment and Africa... and we're concerned about the possibility of Prince Harry being in Calgary or Paris Hilton being forced to go to prison? When did our news turn into tabloids?

On another note, I got another tattoo and it hurt like hell. I will never do THAT again.

Lesson to be learned: Must keep big mouth shut!

I shouldn't be surprised, but it never ceases to amaze me. Hang out with a bunch of guys, and regardless their age, the conversation inevitably will turn to toilets and body functions. Why?

I have no idea what's wrong with me, but this is getting frustrating. First I lose my wallet, now I've lost my keys. Will it never stop? What else can I possibly lose? My mind's clearly gone, and I think my sanity's already slipped.

I gotta say, pole dancing is definitely the way to go.

I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping well. I'm sick. My knee's acting up again. It's been a long week. If that jerk hassles me again, he's gonna get bitch slapped back to Wales.

Someone commented a few weeks ago that they were jealous that I was in a "high spirited relationship" and they weren't. I've been thinking, wondering, what is a high spirited relationship? Does it mean being giddy every time you think of the other person? Does it mean having the person constantly in your mind? What does it really mean to be in love? Is it a rush of emotions? How do you know you're in it for the person and not just physically? How do you know you're in it for the person and not just for convenience? How do you know you're in it for the person and not just because it's somebody?

And how do you let yourself continue to be with the other person when you know it's going to end and there's nothing you can do about it? How do you hope for a future that is almost certain not to exist?

So happy.

I could fall for you, I really could. You're so different, so amazing. You listen, not just to the words, but to me. Like, really listen. You remember things I tell you. You're such a gentleman. You haven't given me any cheap lines. You haven't tried to flatter me. You haven't told me how you "feel". Heck, you haven't even touched me. You're so sweet. You make me laugh, like really laugh. You make me feel wanted in the little ways. You make me feel so loved. You make me feel important, like I matter to you. And if you're doing all this just to get some, you're doing one hell of a job.

I could fall for you, I really could. But I don't know if I should. Can I let myself? Can I really trust you that much? I've been through too much and I don't want to go through that again. It's taken so long for my heart to heal, it's taken so long for me to find myself again, to clear my head and hear my own thoughts again.

But when I think of you, it brings a smile to my face. I'm not obsessed, don't get me wrong. I like you, but that's about it. I can live without having you in my life. But having you around just brightens my day. Makes me giddy - I feel like I'm glowing.

I could fall for you, I really could. You're doing everything right so far. But are you worth it?

It's almost time for me to go back. The past two weeks have been, well, amazing. Busy, but not; relaxing, but not. The base seems like a distant memory, my other life. I want to be back, and yet, I don't. I suppose it could be because I've seen so many people these past two weeks and have done so much. For the first time since my trip to HK, it really feels like I've had a vacation. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy to be here in Calgary. Part of me is ready to leave, though, to go back to work. I can't wait to see the guys again; I can't wait to return to the projects I've left behind; I can't wait to regain the other part of my life. But part of me is scared, scared to face the hell I left behind, scared to have to deal with all that crap again, scared that things really haven't changed and wondering if I'm really strong enough to deal with it for another eight months. I'm ready to leave Calgary - home-life is starting to irritate me and my friends are going their separate ways once again. But to go back to Med Hat... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

*sigh*

I suppose, no matter what, I have the memories of the past two weeks to treasure and a trip to Toronto to look forward to.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I don't even know where to begin. It's almost funny... almost. Maybe it's the vodka talking. You know I've had a bad day when I have to drink after work.

It's really tempting to quit, but Lance is right. If I do, I'm letting the bad guys win. And I'm too strong-willed and bull-headed to let that happen. I guess it's time the claws really came out.

It's so strange. Everyone is so nice to me at work. I mean, sure, I take a lot of abuse from the Brits - I'm a woman and a civilian, I should know my place (and yes, I have been told this to my face). I tell them I'm an engineer and they're just drivers and mechanics - their opinions don't matter. It's all in good fun and no one cares one way or another. There are random strangers who know me just from seeing me walk around and they take the time to smile and say hi. I've met so many people in other departments and in other sections, people who I shouldn't know, other than my work takes them to their buildings and we start talking and getting to know each other. I love it.

But it's within my own office that I have the hardest time and sometimes I wonder if I'm treading a very fine line. There are times when I wonder if I'll be fired because I'm not willing to be intimidated or bullied. Am I playing the office politics' game wrong? Should I not stand up for myself? Is there a better way? I know who and what I am, I recognize my strengths and weaknesses, I know I can be very blunt and in-your-face. But I don't know how to deal with the harassment any more. Trying different ways to compromise doesn't seem to work. Being nice isn't working. And I'm so tired of lying down and taking the crap that's dished out by a few people around my department, particularly one person. Today was the last straw. You DO NOT tell me to fuck off without first having tried to talk things out. If I'm doing my best to try and talk to you, you'd damn well better talk to me or walk away. Telling me to fuck off? Excuse me?

It's just so frustrating!!!!! Argh!

Back to the vodka.

It's so weird. Ever since I've been here, I've had so many moments of happiness. There's been so much drama, but overall, I've been really really happy. Take right now. I'm so giddy and I have no real reason to be. I'm sitting in my apartment, by myself, talking on MSN, but I'm so giddy. My mind's just breezing through events and conversations over the past couple days and I'm giddy. There's something about this place that, despite the dramas and heartaches and the absolute hell, makes me really happy.

It is done! I did it!!!!!!!

Holy crap. Talk about a near rape last night. I know the Bin's "bad", but seriously... and the bouncers are gonna get it next time I go over there. Holy crap! I've never been mobbed like that before... there's an experience I could've lived without. Geez.